my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
