Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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