Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize