Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
