So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
