i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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