And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
