I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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