I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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