she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Randomize
