My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
