the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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