if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
