You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
