i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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