We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
