I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
