booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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