I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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