Tell her she can't have a vagina
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
