Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize