...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
