There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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