No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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