Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
