Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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