Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
