last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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