Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
