I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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