Your mouth is God's brothel.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize