I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
