So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
