Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
