My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You're a waste of cheezeits
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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