Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
