I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
