I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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