It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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