some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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