You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a hot homeless man
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
