his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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