Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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