I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
