Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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