Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This house was built for laser tag.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
