he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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