Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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