When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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