I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
