Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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