Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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