Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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