if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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