The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
