Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
