Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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