He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
