I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
