There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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