First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
