You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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