its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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