...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
it's great music for shaving your balls
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
