I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
