just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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